Funny pics, videos and jokes

Skycastle wrote:

Sorry, I don't remember him, but I remember Sammy. I always liked him, especially on I Dream of Jeannie, but my mom says he was a real slime ball. That surprised me.

I never saw him on i dream of Jeannie.

I actually met him once, a very long time ago when I was a kid.

justmemyselfandi wrote:

Skycastle wrote:

Sorry, I don't remember him, but I remember Sammy. I always liked him, especially on I Dream of Jeannie, but my mom says he was a real slime ball. That surprised me.

I never saw him on i dream of Jeannie.

He was in an episode where Jeannie duplicated him, so that he could perform for the general's birthday and also where he was scheduled to perform elsewhere that same day. He got to meet himself. :-)

Just for fun. What would your porn name be?

First you take the name of your first pet, then the name of the street you grew up on.

So... My first pet was a rabbit named Floppy... and I grew up on a road called Lumberjack...

Which makes my porn name "Floppy Lumberjack".  :king:

Ok, first pet is Snoopy. Street...Roxbury Ave.

So, "Snoopy Roxbury." :king:

Skycastle wrote:

"Snoopy Roxbury." :king:

Lol, I like that. I thought mine was good, but so is yours.

Ok, so I was watching youtube videos and clicked on one called, "Real Animal Hybrids/Crossbreeding!". It starts out showing a picture of a cow and across the bottom it says, "domestic cow". Then comes up a picture of a Wisent, an apparent buffalo of sorts. However, at the same time that picture came up, one of those youtube pop up ads opened right across the animals name at that bottom of the pic that read "beautiful Chinese women". Good gravy I just about died. :lol!:

I made this list up over a year ago, but I never got around to determining which type I was:


Acne
constantly whines about how, like... his life and everything really
sucks and stuff. Usually a middle class teenager with an allowance,
unlimited access to a computer and WAY too much time on his hands.
Acne's vague existential arguments about the meaningless of life and
emptiness of existence are culled from the lyrics of the 20 gigs of
MP3s he has squirreled away on his hard drive.



Admin
Admin is the janitor, the cop, the mayor, the judge and sometimes even the forum doctor who
tends to Warriors injured in battle - in other words, Nanny
on steroids. Because he runs the forum and sets the rules Admin has
the power to pull the plug on any Warrior who gets a little too
frisky. Sometimes his efforts are appreciated, but like any authority
figure he is also resented - especially by Jerk,
Evil
Clown, Enfant
Provocateur, Ego,
Rebel Without a Clue,
Yuk
Yuk, Troller,
and other Warriors who would like to turn the forum into their
personal playground. Most Admins are generally fair and even handed,
but the adage that absolute power corrupts absolutely is as true on
the internet as it is anywhere else, and it is a rare Admin who can
resist bringing the hammer down if seriously pressed by a determined
foe. Sycophant
and other suckups will also attach themselves to a strong Admin to
form a defensive perimeter around him, and more often than not
Admin's enemies will be driven off without him ever having to
brandish his ax. CAUTION: Admin is the most powerful of all Warriors
and drawing him into direct battle invites almost certain defeat.
Rebel
Leader does pose a limited threat to Admin's power by fomenting a
revolt and causing forum members to jump ship.

Agent
Agent
is a sinister and elusive opponent who never goes into battle alone.
Agent generally uses standard combat techniques, but differs from
other Warriors in that he is secretly in the employ of an
organization that has a direct interest in the forum's main topic.
The organization may be political, commercial, or even criminal, and
it’s Agent’s job to post messages that advance the organization's
interests. For example, several Agents who have been hired to promote
a new theater production will invade theater discussion forums, and
while energetically plumping for their own production, they will pick
fights, spread malicious gossip and post fraudulent reviews about
competing productions. Some Agents are benign shills, while others
are malicious crusaders. Agents typically use hit and run tactics to
avoid detection, but sometimes they can be outed by alert forum
members who have seen them in other forums.
ALLCAPS
ALLCAPS
attempts to compensate for his limited rhetorical weaponry through
the extravagant use of capitalized words - something netizens refer
to as SHOUTING. Sure, a sprinkling of capitalized words can add some
zip to a thrust, but they should be used sparingly. Even worse from a
tactical point of view, too much shouting alerts other Warriors to
the opponent's verbal WEAKNESS and emotional EXCITABILITY.

Android
Android
doesn't anger, nor does he engage in actual combat, rather he will
merely point out the logical inconsistencies of other Warriors. Irony
and sarcasm are completely lost on Android, and being impossible to
insult or injure in any way, he is invulnerable to conventional
attack. If, for example, someone were to call him a pinhead, he would
get out a tape measure and after finding that his cranium falls
within normal size specifications Android would dismiss the comment
as erroneous. Android's circuits are not equipped to process
ambiguous or aesthetic input, consequently any extensive discussion
involving personal feelings, intuition, art and metaphorical
allusions will quickly drive Android from the field of battle.



Archivist
Archivist
saves and squirrels away each and every discussion forum message. Do
you remember having a bad day back in 1996 when in one of your
messages you may have said a few things that were...well, perhaps a
little...hasty? Don't worry, Archivist still has it and will post it
to the forum if you begin to get the upper hand in battle. Archivist
can be a very effective and fearsome Warrior.

Artful
Dodger
Artful
Dodger
is a nimble and elusive Warrior. When strongly attacked he changes
the subject with a diversionary counterattack. For example, if in a
moment of pique his opponent refers to him to him as a "sonofabitch",
Artful Dodger will not only demand a public apology for the insult to
his own mother, but will castigate his opponent on behalf all mothers
everywhere. Knowing full well that staying on topic works to his
disadvantage, Artful Dodger will not allow himself to be pinned down.



Artiste
Artiste
has an unshakeable faith in his own artistic gifts, and is very
pleased to share them with everyone else. Frequently his own insipid
poetry will appear in his email signature, and at other times, and to
no apparent purpose, he will be overcome with the urge to post a poem
in the midst of battle. Artiste, in his need to demonstrate his
aesthetic sensitivity and cultural sophistication, will reference
obscure artists to drive his point home. He assumes that the mere
mention of, say, Pollaiuolo (Italian,1431 –1498), will confirm the
breadth of knowledge and thereby cow his opponent in battle.
Actually, he is universally regarded as a pretentious blockhead.
CAUTION: Artiste often has serious mental problems and, though easily
defeated in battle, may be unpredictable in defeat as well as in
victory.

Atheist
Atheist is Deacon's cyber-doppelganger. Deacon and
Atheist hold equally fervent, though diametrically opposed beliefs about
religion, and both feel compelled to share those beliefs at every possible
opportunity. Should an unsuspecting forum member make even a passing
comment about faith or spirituality of any flavor, Atheist will descend
like one of the Furies, mercilessly hectoring all of the ignorant and
delusional believers about the sordid history of the church and the pernicious
effects of religion on society. After a few of Atheist’s anti-religious
jeremiads most other Warriors will avoid the subject altogether, though
Evil Clown may egg him on a little, and Philosopher may amuse himself
by pointing out flaws in his reasoning. If a forum has the misfortune
of having both Deacon and Atheist as members, the bickering often continues
until Nanny or Admin pulls
the plug. Bliss Ninny can also sometimes squelch the conversation by
saying, “Well, everyone has a right to their [sic] opinion.”
Big
Cat
Big
Cat
would rather not
fight...he enjoys peacefully observing forum conversations and
laconically participates when the moods strikes. He playfully chases
interesting threads, and from time to time uses a Newbie or
Propellerhead as a convenient scratching post. He enjoys being
stroked or petted, and tends to purr loudly. CAUTION: Don't be fooled
by his fuzzy, playful exterior. When provoked, Big Cat reacts with
lightning speed and almost always lands on his feet after an attack.
Big Cat often indulges himself by toying with his victim before
delivering his lethal blows.


Big
Dog and Me-too
Big
Dog is a
bully who doesn't hesitate to use his superior strength to intimidate
other combatants. Big Dog may be smart, articulate or just plain
mean, but in any case he is a remorseless fighter, brutally ripping
into even the weakest of combatants. Once Big Dog securely fastens
his powerful jaws on a hapless victim, Me-Too
will join the attack. Me-Too is far too weak and insecure to engage
in single combat, and must ally himself with Big Dog or a pack of
other Warriors to bring down his quarry.
Bliss
Ninny
Bliss
Ninny
doesn't understand why people just can't get along. While it is
entirely unintentional, Bliss Ninny's utterly vacuous comments can
drive the more pugnacious Warriors into a frenzy of aggression. Often
in the heat of battle Bliss Ninny will discuss her cat.
Blowhard
Blowhard
feels the need to present his credentials before entering the fray -
even if they are irrelevant to the discussion. For example, in a
movie forum conflict he might attempt to settle the matter by saying,
"As a Ph. D. candidate in particle physics I believe I can say
with some authority that the 'Beavis and Butthead' movie represents
the emergence of a new cultural paradigm." Huh?
Bong
Is it just you or does this
guy seem to babble on and on without making any sense whatsoever?
Does he lurch from one non sequitur to another? Are you baffled by
his obscure metaphors? Are there so many typos you think that maybe
he was typing while wearing a catcher's mit? Can he really MEAN what
he just said? What in the hell is he talking about, anyway? Is this
guy smoking something? Well, yes...in fact he is, and lightly
tethered in orbit high above the Earth Bong
remains far beyond the grasp of the even the most powerful of
Warriors.


Capitalista
Capitalista
is not always a wealthy fat cat; being a Capitalista is a state of
mind rather than a reflection of affluence. A strident and
extraordinarily self–satisfied Warrior, Capitalista takes every
opportunity to extol the superiority of the free enterprise system
and has a powerful aversion to the welfare states of Europe.
Capitalista fiercely defends the market economy, bludgeoning
“fuzzy-minded socialists” with Adam Smith, Milton Friedman and
Friedrich Hayek. Though rather limited in his range of interests,
Capitalista’s command of carefully selected historical facts,
abstruse statistical comparisons and arcane economic theory make him
a formidable foe.

Centurion
Centurion
tries to gain tactical advantage in battle by asserting that he is,
or was at one time, in the military. He affects the brusque demeanor
and clipped style of a drill sergeant, and intimidates opponents by
sprinkling his messages with military verbiage and obscure acronyms.
He reinforces weak arguments by constantly reminding other Warriors
that he has “done his duty”, or “served his country”.
Sometimes Centurion may even post pictures of military hardware or
images of himself in fatigues brandishing a weapon. Centurion may
actually have a military background, or he may just be a nut case -
no one really knows. Centurion loathes and is loathed by
Weenie, Artiste
and Fragile
Femme. His natural ally is Troglodyte.

Coffee
Klatch
For
Coffee
Klatch
the discussion forum is a social gathering - like Mah Jong or
Wednesday morning canasta club. Coffee Klatch prefers a friendly,
chatty environment and almost always limits her participation to
non-technical forums. Whether inadvertently or by design, Coffee
Klatch prepares the battlefield in her favor by making it soggy with
pleasant, but vapid messages - her favorite phrase often being,
"thanks for sharing". This renders the battlefield rather
slow going for swifter and more powerful Warriors. CAUTION: If war
does break out she will shed her benign facade and attack mired
Warriors without remorse.
Compost
A weak Warrior with few
weapons at his disposal Compost
flings expletives and vulgarities to keep his opponent at bay. This
tactical maneuver can occasionally rout especially sensitive
combatants, such as Innocence Abused, but it is generally ineffective
against more powerful Warriors. Nanny
has little stomach for Compost's ordure and will quickly ban him
from the forum.

Crybaby
Although sometimes a male,
Crybaby
is usually a female, and often a close ally of
Innocence Abused. When teased or attacked Crybaby will pitch a
loud public temper tantrum, holding her breath and kicking her feet.
If that defense fails she will run to Nanny
for comfort.

Cyber
Sisters
Cyber
Sisters
are an extremely fierce confederation of fighting females who act
something like a shrill Greek chorus, echoing and amplifying one
another's voice until their foes retreat in disarray. They are
generally leaderless, but anyone who challenges one Cyber Sister can
expect to be savagely attacked by the others. Only the most powerful
and battle-hardened of Warriors is strong enough to weather a Cyber
Sisters attack.


Deacon
Be
he a Baptist, Scientologist or Zoroastrian, in the heat of battle
Deacon
will call down Divine retribution on all net sinners, and will never
miss an opportunity to blather endlessly about his religion. Deacon
is fervent and earnest, but seldom contributes anything of interest
or substance to the discussion. Occasionally Tireless
Rebutter or Philosopher
will rouse themselves engage Deacon in battle, but they soon lose
interest because of his utter predictability.

Diplomat
Diplomat
butts into hot disputes, presuming that the combatants will welcome
and appreciate his even-handed and eminently reasonable mediation.
Frankly, he gets what he deserves.

Duelists
In a perpetual personal
feud, Duelists
generally don't menace anyone but each other, unless, of course,
another Warrior foolishly gets between them. They may not even
remember what started the fight, but now they cordially loathe one
another and seize every chance to go at each other. When the other
Warriors eventually weary of their endless kvetching the Duelists
will be shouted down or Nanny
will ban them. Even after getting the heave-ho from one forum,
however, it is not unusual for them to try seeking each other in
other forums to renew their fight.

Eagle
Scout
Eagle
Scout is
a positive, constructive Warrior who endeavors to submit original
articles which contain useful content and relevant information with
supporting citations and links, thus initiating meaningful discussion
threads. Eagle Scout regards the internet as an uplifting,
egalitarian, worldwide arena for the exchange of ideas among
intelligent, thinking individuals. He does not openly attack, but
will (ever tactfully) chastise disruptive comments, gratuitous
insults and cretinous insipidity. He is always kind and helpful to
Newbie,
and will shrug off even the most egregious insults. Eagle Scout is
loathed with a poisonous intensity by Evil
Clown,
Jerk, Enfant
Provocateur and Ego.

CAUTION: Sometimes
Imposter, Evil
Clown or Troller
will masquerade as Eagle Scout. There have also been reports of
Eagle Scout becoming Jekyl
and Hyde.


Ego
For Ego,
the discussion forum is all about him, and he regards discussions
that stray from that topic as trivial dalliances. Although tolerant
of an occasional shift in focus, Ego grows increasingly restive when
the forum's attention shifts away from his interests, and he will
often provoke conflict to reestablish himself as the subject at hand.
Ego is one the the fiercest of all the Warriors and will fight to the
death when attacked.

Enfant
Provocateur
Enfant
Provocateur
likes to stir up trouble because...because, well...just because. This
species of Flame Warrior is almost always young and male - it could
be just a hormone thing.

Ennui
Ennui
only rouses himself from his torpor to cajole other Warriors to be
more interesting - without, of course, ever contributing anything of
interest himself. Ennui has limited weaponry at his disposal, but his
majestic affectation of boredom provides an effective defense to
attacks. When pressed in battle he will announce his intention of
moving on to a more stimulating forum, but instead he will generally
lurk quietly until the threat passes.

Ent
In
bygone days Ents
roamed an internet paradise of purposeful forums, but in recent times
Ents have grown quiet. Indeed, Ents are so rarely heard from these
days that netizens have begun to doubt that they ever existed. Being
privy to the secrets of the ancients Ents are an extremely powerful
Warriors, and are all the more so because of the veneration in which
they are held. Warriors who chop and burn an Ent in battle will not
earn glory, but will instead incite the enmity of the entire forum.
Ethnix
Ethnix
is an extremely powerful Warrior who effectively wields his ethnic
origins to undermine his opponents in battle. The accusation of
racism immediately puts even the most powerful Warriors on the
defensive, and Ethnix can use this weapon to deftly shift from
defense to offense, keeping other Warriors off balance. Envious of
Ethnix's power, Impostor will impersonate him when the opportunity
arises. All Warriors are wary of Ethnix, but Weenie
is particularly vulnerable to his power.

Evil
Clown
Evil
Clown is
very quick with a joke, but his jests always have a barb. He has
little patience for in-depth discussions and will often disrupt
exchanges between serious forum participants by introducing
irrelevant topics, fatuous quips, and offhand comments. His greatest
thrill is to taunt and humiliate weaker or more plodding Warriors
with his snappy ripostes. Not a particularly powerful Warrior, Evil
Clown will attempt to avoid defeat by accusing his attacker of having
no sense of humor.

Fanboy
Though annoying and often
disruptive, Fanboy
is a relatively harmless Warrior because his interests and knowledge
are strictly limited to a single obsession. He's fixated on a
particular video game, a celebrity, a television show, a sports team,
– almost anything, really. Fanboy’s compulsion makes him very
easy to identify, but it also arms him with supernatural tenacity.
The most benign criticism of his beloved immediately provokes a
cascade of virulent abuse. Once alerted to Fanboy's sensitivities
Evil
Clown, Troller
and Jerk
will goad him mercilessly. CAUTION: ANYONE can become a Fanboy, but
the warning signs of an emerging Fanboy are subtle and easily
overlooked. For example, are you a little hasty to defend Linux?

Ferrous
Cranus
Ferrous
Cranus
is utterly impervious to reason, persuasion and new ideas, and when
engaged in battle he will not yield an inch in his position
regardless of its hopelessness. Though his thrusts are decisively
repulsed, his arguments crushed in every detail and his defenses
demolished beyond repair he will remount the same attack again and
again with only the slightest variation in tactics. Sometimes out of
pure frustration Philosopher
will try to explain to him the failed logistics of his situation, or
Therapist
will attempt to penetrate the psychological origins of his obduracy,
but, ever unfathomable, Ferrous Cranus cannot be moved.

Filibuster
Like his Congressional
namesake, Filibuster
attempts to influence the forum simply by holding the floor. His
monotonous hectoring and prodigious output of verbiage rapidly clears
the field of other Warriors.

Fragile
Femme
Fragile
Femme is
very needy and insecure and regards the discussion forum as her
personal support group, and will lash out when her feelings are not
"validated" by the others. Fragile Femme will often refer
to the forum participants as her "family" and becomes
distraught at disharmony of any kind. She regards a minor
disagreement with her as devastating personal assaults and will often
dissolve into hysteria when confronted. Her hyperactive sense of
injury renders her fighting tactics fairly ineffective, but Innocence
Abused, Cyber
Sisters or Weenie
will often spring to her defense.

Furious
Typer
Furious
Typer’s
combat strategy is to drown her adversary in a tsunami of angry
verbiage. She is absolutely immune to subtlty and ignores all but the
barest essentials of any argument. After breifly appraising the gist
of her opponent’s counter attack she puts her head down and rapidly
fires off long rambling messages replete with grammitical and factual
errors. The typical Furious Typer lacks endurance, however, and if
the other combatants can weather the initial assault she will quickly
exhaust herself and retire from the field.

Garble
Garble
is a mystery: Is he a foreigner with only tenuous grasp of English?
Is he on drugs? Does he suffer a serious mental debility? Is he
typing wearing boxing gloves? Garble's rampant typos, malapropisms
and execrable grammar can't be blamed solely on poor typing skills.
Garble is all the more puzzling because if one manages to hack his
way through the tangled muddle of his messages a discernable idea
will often emerge. For example, in a forum discussion about a
painting he might say, "Sorry the picchr the har is wrog. The
culir. I liike the lips bot teh Paintng is sucs". When someone
refers to his random capitalization Garble might say something like,
"oPS i HITTED THE CAPDLOCK". Garble drives Grammarian
and Nitpick
absolutely nuts, but he disdains all efforts at correction, and if
complaints persist he will indignantly sign exit saying, "yuor
forum si stupef. bYE!" HINT: Garble may be Net
Rat.

God
In
the beginning, before bandwidth, there was nothingness. Out of that
endless void God
and His heavenly host created...Arpanet, and it was good. But the
scientific, military and computer angels Who dwelled in Arpanet were
lonely, so They brought forth Browser, and the Web was born. It, too,
was good and the children of the internet lived in peace and harmony
and were fruitful and multiplied, but God warned His people not to
eat of the forbidden fruit of commercialism. Alas, they disobeyed and
soon barbarians drove the children of the internet out of Paradise.
God, in His wrath, turned away from His people and condemned them to
wander in the digital wilderness, but from time to time He will
suddenly appear in mailing lists, chat rooms and discussion forums to
remind us sinners that we could be saved if only we would hearken
unto Him.



Godfather
Forums
often contain one or more unacknowledged sub-societies, but everyone
except the most clueless know that these groups exist and constantly
feel their influence. Such alliances congeal because of similarities
in ideas and attitudes, or for the desire for power and influence
within the forum. Since human beings are hierarchical creatures each
of these these little mafias always have a Godfather
who is surrounded by a cadre of loyal henchmen. Unlike Rebel
Leader, Issues,
Furious
Typer and other noisy Warriors, Godfather only occasionally
deigns to enter into discussions, but when he does everyone listens
to him respectfully and his pronouncements have an air of finality.
Though Godfather himself never engages in battle, it is commonly
understood that his utterances should not be challenged, and when an
unsuspecting Newbie
or ambitious wannabe mounts a challenge to his authority Godfather’s
henchmen viciously silence or drive away the attacker.
Godzilla
It was a peaceful and
productive forum; lively, congenial and a bounteous source of useful
information. Then one day, completely without warning, Godzilla
arose from the depths and blew his scalding breath on everything in
his path. A phalanx of Warriors mobilized to attack the monster, only
to be crushed like so many toy tanks under Godzilla's mighty feet.
Godzilla soon reduced the forum to searing and consuming flames. Just
as abruptly, he rumbled back beneath the waves, leaving all to
tremble in fear of his return. Net life would never be the same.
Sadly, many netizens who survive a Godzilla attack will become
Xenophobes.


Grammarian
Grammarian
usually has little to contribute to a discussion and possesses few
effective weapons. To compensate, he will point out minor errors in
spelling and grammar. Because of Grammarian's obvious weakness most
Warriors ignore him.

Grenade
Grenade
isn't actually a Warrior, per se, but it's an ordnance so widely
employed that no Flame Warriors guide would be complete without
mentioning it. When lobbed into a discussion forum Grenade instantly
blasts civil discourse into smoking rubble. Grenade's explosive
content can be adjusted to the forum's interests. Typical detonating
materials can be Bill Clinton, George Bush, gun control,
homosexuality, Reagan, abortion, taxes, conspiracy theory, the NEA,
welfare reform, etc. When facing certain defeat a Warrior can stall
even the most determined attack with a diversionary explosion.
Grenade can be a particularly destructive weapon in the hands of Evil
Clown, Issues,
Troglodyte
or even Weenie,
but almost any Warrior can use it to gain a temporary strategic
advantage. Eagle
Scout has been known to throw himself upon Grenade to save the
forum.

Grunter
Grunter
always responds to discussion forum messages with a single word or a
short phrase, and he NEVER edits quoted material.
Profundus Maximus, Philosopher,
Tireless
Rebutter, and other verbose Warriors find Grunter a particularly
exasperating opponent because he will answer their lengthy
pontifications with a simple "Yeah!". "Get a life.",
"Whatever", "I agree." "Wrong.", etc.
While Grunter is not a strong Warrior, he is very elusive and
difficult to engage in direct battle, and only by his extended
silence is there any indication that he has been vanquished.

Howlers
Howlers
generally populate academic, technical or special interest forums.
Newbies to such forums often wander in thinking they have found some
devastating new argument or special insight on the forum topic on
interest, but unless the forum has been recently formed an active
discussion group will probably have heard and debated the argument at
length. So instead of being welcomed into the bosom of the group the
newcomer is forced to flee under a shower of invective.

Ideologue
The most common variants of
Ideologue
are conservative and liberal. Smug and self satisfied in their
certitudes, Ideologue's opinions are merely a loose collection of
intellectual conceits, and he is genuinely astonished, bewildered and
indignant that his views are not universally embraced as the Truth.
He regards the opposing point of view as a form of cognitive
dissonance whose only cure is relentless propagandizing and
browbeating. The conservative iteration of Ideologue parades himself
as a logical, clear thinker, while the liberal version trumpets his
higher level of mental, spiritual and social awareness.
Troglodyte is the natural ally of conservative Ideologue, and for
liberal Ideologue it is Weenie.
Ideologue is a fierce, but very predictable Warrior..

Imposter
Impostor
is a digital Proteus who changes his persona whenever it suits his
purposes. That 21 year old co-ed from Arizona State you met in a
discussion forum may, in fact, be a retired steel worker from
Pittsburgh. Impostor will claim to be black, white, rich, poor,
young, old, straight or gay, and if he's good he can pull it off - at
least for a while. Of course, there are sinister, even criminal
reasons Impostor would lie about who he is, but more often he fakes
it to lend weight to his arguments, or simply to amuse himself.
Impostor's requisite imagination and good writing skills can make him
a formidable enemy, but even the best Impostors will eventually
blunder and reveal their true identity. Once uncovered, Impostor
always flees the field, but he may return in another form - you just
never know...

Innocence
Abused
Innocence
Abused
guards her purity jealously and cannot countenance crude language and
gets the vapors over frank references to intimate bodily functions.
This digital ingénue is a very weak Warrior, and is a favorite
target of
Enfant Provocateur, Jerk,
Troller,
and
Evil Clown, but Innocence Abused can always count on other
Warriors, such as Cyber
Sisters, Weenie
and Toxic
Granny, to come to her defense.


Issues
Issues
has an issue and she won't rest until it becomes your issue, too.
Even when she's not talking about her issue it's clear she would
rather be talking about her issue. Something of a secular evangelist,
he religion, her raison d'etre, her abiding passion is....well, her
issue. Not exclusive to any ideological orientation, her issue could
be the environment, abortion rights, raw foods, breast feeding,
whatever. Her obsession, however, provides the key to defeating her
in battle; she can't tolerate indifference, so if her thrusts are
simply ignored she will rage, accuse, condemn, plead and finally, go
away.



Jekyl
and Hyde
As
a forum participant Jekyll
and Hyde always
plays by the rules and is consistently cordial and helpful – a
model netizen, until one day he comes completely uncorked and lashes
out without warning. His unanticipated thunderbolts can temporarily
rout even the sturdiest Warriors, and it often takes some time for
his stunned opponents to mount a counter attack. Jekyll and Hyde’s
sudden behavioral change may result from a psychotic episode, PMS, a
downturn in the market, a surprise visit by the in-laws – or a
session of hard drinking...
Jerk
Jerk
is sarcastic, mean, unforgiving and never misses an opportunity to
make a cutting remark. Jerk's repulsive personality quickly alienates
other Warriors, and after some initial skirmishing he is usually
ostracized. Still, Jerk is very happy to participate in electronic
forums because in cyberspace he is free to be himself...without the
risk of getting a real-time punch in the mouth

Klaxon
WARNING!!! YOU MUST READ
THIS!!! Klaxon,
the internet Chicken Little, raises the alarm for each and every
paranoid conspiracy theory, Federal Big-Brother scheme, internet
hoax, and latest computer virus. No black helicopter alert is so
ludicrous, no urban legend so implausible, that he will not pass it
along as accepted fact (in ALL CAPS with multiple exclamation marks).
Congratulations, you are recipient 16,747 of today's Urban Myth.
CAUTION: Evil
Clown or even Klaxon himself may sometimes spread false alarms
just to stir up trouble.

Kung-Fu
Master
Though Kung-Fu
Masters
are powerful Warriors, they generally choose not to fight. Many
lesser Warriors delude themselves into thinking that they are masters
of war, but few are the genuine article. The true Kung-Fu master
fully appreciates his own superiority and is therefore unruffled by
petty provocations. When forced to fight, however, he quickly crushes
his opponent with devastating blows.

Lamer
Mediocrity is Lamer's
salient characteristic, yet the word "mediocre" seems
inadequate to fully encompass the crushing dullness of his
personality. Not one of his utterances demonstrates the faintest
insight on any topic, no glimmer of wit or humor brightens his
conversation, nor does stone ignorance of the subject at hand
discourage him from sharing his views. He isn't even obnoxious enough
to justify banning him from the forum. He's a very weak Warrior in
the conventional sense, but not even the most stalwart opponent can
withstand prolonged contact with this truly fearsome Warrior.

Lonely
Guy
Lonely
Guy
doesn't get out much, and often his social isolation can drive him to
do battle just for the human contact. Compassion dictates that we
shouldn't get too upset with his antics. Nonetheless, Lonely Guy can
be very fierce. Remember, he has nothing better to do than stew over
real or imagined insults. CAUTION: If Lonely Guy is also a Propeller
Head he may retaliate with e mail bombing, anonymous spamming,
electronic stalking and other techie mischief.

Loopy
Loopy's
messages are incomprehensible to all but himself. Loopy is easily
aroused and exuberant in battle and fearlessly flings himself at any
Warrior - even Kung-Fu
Master. Loopy's main weapons consist of a disarming array of
nonsequiturs, tautologies, and bizarre metaphors, which can often
gain him an advantage in the initial stages of an attack. Combatants
very quickly realize, however, that Loopy is a certifiable nut case
and generally avoid further engagement.
Jerk and Evil
Clown revel in egging Loopy on for their own amusement. CAUTION:
Loopy cannot be defeated with conventional weapons - any response to
his attacks will provoke a fusillade of incoherent messages, so Loopy
is best left undisturbed.


Lurker
Lurker
does not participate in normal forum discourse, but he's out
there...watching, reading every message. He is usually quite
harmless, and more often than not his silence reflects a natural
reticence rather than sinister motives. If a fight breaks out he will
quietly observe to avoid revealing his position. Occasionally,
however, some mysterious impulse drives him to de-lurk and attack.
This totally unexpected assault is universally regarded as an ambush,
and other Warriors will turn on him savagely. Lurker seldom sticks
around to fight it out, however, and after a brief exchange, he once
again slips out of sight.
Nanny
Nanny
tirelessly monitors forum discussions to make sure that everyone
behaves. Though he is quick to admonish for off-topic messages and
petty squabbling, he is generally slow to anger. Rather than wading
into pitched battles, Nanny simply pulls the plug on combatants and
bans repeat offenders. Weaker Warriors such as
Innocence Abused,
Weenie and Crybaby
will run to Nanny for protection in the midst of battle.

Necromancer
Necromancer
has a supernatural ability to bring long-dead forum discussion
threads back to life. After having been flogged to death the thread
may have been deceased for many years, and bringing it back may have
scant relevance to the current topic, yet Necromancer will
unexpectedly exhume the thread’s rotting corpse, and strike horror
in the forum as its grotesque form lurches into the discussion. The
monster, instantly recognized by all who knew it in life, seems at
first to breathe and have a pulse, but, alas, it is beyond
Necromancer’s skill to fully restore the thread’s original
vitality. The hideous apparition may frighten away some of the weaker
Warriors or Warriors badly wounded in former battles, but the thread
is only a shadow of its former self and very quickly expires.
Unlike
Archivist,
Necromancer compulsively saves every forum message in carefully
preserved archives for future use in battle, while Necromancer
collects departed threads merely for the thrill of resurrecting them.
Some say he performs this unnatural act out of malice, others say he
can’t help himself, but no one really knows.

Netiquette
Nazi
Netiquette
Nazi is
in control and does not tolerate back talk, especially from a
sniveling worm like you. She demands the strictest adherence to forum
protocols and rules of engagement. If you deviate in the slightest
you WILL be punished. Even Admin is careful not to attract her ire.

Net
Rat
Not
every young person on the internet is an Enfant
Provocateur; sometimes they're just
Net Rat. Net
Rat spends countless hours in front of the computer and loves to play
at being a grownup. Imagine your chagrin if in a love and romance
forum you've been pouring out your anguish over a recent messy
breakup with your boyfriend, or you have finally mustered the courage
to talk about some particularly lurid desires that have been
throbbing in your libido, or perhaps you thought you found a romantic
soulmate on the internet only to discover that your hot cyber lover
turns out to be in junior high. Even worse, in a serious discussion
forum you may think you have succesfully faked a convincing
understanding of Spinoza and later discover that the only person you
have really managed to fool is still reading Harry Potter. Well,
don't feel too bad about it - some Net Rats can be very convincing.
Newbie
Unsteady in his knowledge of
computers and cyberculture Newbie
perambulates the internet, blithely stumbling his way into discussion
forums. He seldom reads the FAQs and is utterly clueless about the
basics of netiquette. When engaged in battle Newbie's usual tactical
gambit is to feign helplessness, often going limp or crying when
cornered. While Newbie doesn't seek conflict he will lash out
comically when his feelings are hurt. Most Warriors will either
ignore Newbie or treat him with mild disdain, but a few, such as Jerk
and Evil
Clown, take special pleasure in torturing him. Others, especially
Propeller
Head and
Xenophobe, have a particular animus against Newbie and view his
bumbling as an affront that must be punished.

Nit
Pick
Nitpick
compensates for his limited fighting ability by pouncing on points
that are only marginally relevant to the discussion. For example, if
his opponent in a sports forum conflict casually mentioned the Cubs'
4-2 victory in the 1908 World Series, Nitpick would quickly
counterattack with something like, "4-2 !? Any moron knows the
Cubs won the Series 4-1! Someone so ignorant about baseball history
can't possibly know anything about salary caps!" Even if the
minor point is conceded by his opponent Nitpick will return to it
whenever the battle turns against him. Though weak, Nitpick is very
tenacious and will never admit defeat. Nitpick is a close ally of
Artful
Dodger.

Palooka
Palooka
will battle anyone, anytime, anywhere - he seems to love it, even
though he always takes a beating. After a terrific pounding at the
hands of, for example, Kung-Fu
Master, he'll just struggle to his feet and wobble back into the
ring. His astonishing ability to absorb punishment leads one to
suspect that during his long Warrior career Palooka has taken a few
too many punches. Often, as an act of mercy,
Nanny will step in to stop the fight.

Patois
The
tortured syntax of his messages immediately gives Patois away as a
non-native speaker. Patois
enters discussion forums with the best of intentions; he may want to
get to know Americans, or practice his English, or exchange ideas
about a particular subject. Predictably, his malaprops immediately
draw fire from Evil
Clown and
Jerk - even Grammarian
may weigh in. At first, Patois tries to parry the thrusts with
inept banter, but as his tormenters turn up the heat Patois finally
pops his cork. Forgetting what little English he knows he lashes out
with sputtering ripostes such as, “ No, you must stopping now
because you are a stupid.”, which only causes more piling on. When
Eagle
Scout, Weenie,
an others spring to his defense Patois lavishes them with puppy-like
gratitude and loyalty. CAUTION: Impersonating Patois is a favorite
ruse of Imposter
and Troller.
Perv
Wily
and very secretive, Perv
isn't actually a genuine Warrior in the strictest sense; he isn't
interested in combat psychology, fighting tactics or even winning
battles, and he couldn't care less about the subject under discussion
- all he REALLY wants to know is what you are wearing.
Philosopher
Unlike Profundus
Maximus, Philosopher
can actually be quite knowledgeable on a variety of subjects.
Somewhat humorless and aloof, he is also slow to anger, and when he
deigns to join in the fray he is considerate of other opinions. His
fighting tactics are direct and uncomplicated - he smothers the
opposition with his ponderous and lengthy cogitations. Only the
strongest and most patient Warriors can survive an extended battle
with Philosopher.

Picador
Picador
does not engage other Warriors in direct combat. Instead, he uses
well placed barbs to goad his adversary into charging while
skillfully avoiding the appearance of being the provocateur. He thus
guides his enraged target towards certain injury or defeat at the
hands of a stronger Warrior. Once the fight has been set in motion
Picador will retire to a discrete distance, always ready to prod his
lance into sensitive areas should the action begin to flag. HINT:
Alert Warriors can readily spot Picador because, though he seldom
takes a stand on controversial issues, he always seems to be near the
fray.

Pinko
Pinko
has an angry, almost genetic loathing for privilege, greed, social
exploitation, racism, sexism, homophobia, pro-lifers, the religious
right, environmental degradation, the NRA, US imperialism,
multinational corporations, big business, Republicans in general and
George Bush in particular. Pinko openly admires Oliver Stone, Noam
Chomsky and Michael Moore and anyone else who is critical of the US
government and bourgeois culture. She ardently believes there is no
enormity of which the United States is incapable and regards its
entire history as an unbroken legacy of avarice, deceit and
injustice. Though Issues,
Weenie, Fragile
Femme and sometimes Ideologue
will defend Pinko in battle, her extremely predictable and tedious
attacks eventually exhaust even those inclined to support her.

Pithy
Phrase
Pithy
Phrase
is a walking compendium of famous quotations and wise adages. Of
course, he will never add anything original to the discussion, but
because most discussion forums communicate through email he can take
his time to thumb through books of quotes and find les mots justes
for every situation. Er...didn't Winston Churchill say, "It's a
good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations."?
Digital forums are a gift to the slow witted (I said that)

Profundus
Maximus
Profundus
Maximus
eagerly holds forth on all subjects, but his thin knowledge will not
support a sustained assault and therefore his attacks quickly peter
out. Profundus Maximus often uses big words, obscure terms
and...ahem...even Latin to bluff his way through battle..

Propeller
Head
Propeller
Head
knows just about everything there is to know about computers and the
internet, and is a little mystified that you don't. Often an
inarticulate and clumsy fighter he is still much to be feared because
with a few deft keystrokes he can reduce your computer to a smoking
heap of ruined metal.

Rat
Rat
prefers to attack with private messages rather than out in the open.
CAUTION : If a Warrior starts to get the better of the fight he will
suddenly post out of context excerpts of his opponent's messages to
the list. When taken to task for betraying private correspondence he
will insist that he did it because he was being harassed or that his
adversary poses a threat to other, more vulnerable Warriors, such as
Innocence Abused.


Rebel
Leader
Rebel
Leader
has an uncanny ability to upset the settled order of a discussion
forum. Other Warriors may be excellent in single combat, but Rebel
Leader's charisma, political instincts and verbal skills enable him
to rally collective assaults powerful enough to overthrow the Royals
and silence Cyber
Sisters. Rebel Leader may draw allies from almost any of the
other Warrior classes, but he can usually count on Loopy
in the early stages of the conflict, and Sycophant
after the revolution is well underway. Once the revolution has
succeeded, however, Rebel Leader quickly loses interest in the cause.
As is the case with false King-Fu
Masters, the bones of wannabe Rebel Leaders litter the
battlefields. .


Rebel
Without a Clue
Rebel
Without a Clue's
deep seated and infantile hostility to authority motivates his random
and seemingly gratuitous attacks on list owners, Admins,
Nannies
or anyone else who attempts to maintain order and civility in
discussion forums. Differing markedly from Rebel
Leader, he is unattached to any cause other than petulance for
its own sake, and will therefore seldom inspire general insurrection.
In his frequent and ineffectual attacks on the established order he
will often cite the Bible, or the US Constitution to support
incoherent arguments. Rebel Without a Clue NEVER reads forum FAQs ,
and loudly decries as fascism any enforcement whatsoever of forum
rules.
Rottweiler
Puppy
Rottweiler
Puppy is
clumsy, marginally articulate, unsteady in his often playful attacks,
but anyone who cares to notice will see that one day he will be a
fierce and powerful Big
Dog. HINT: By showing some patience and kindness to Rottweiler
Puppy in his formative stages prudent Warriors may gain a steadfast
and formidable ally.


Royals
Whether
through virtue, contributions, force of personality or sheer
longevity certain forum participants will rise to form an
aristocracy. While it is generally taboo to openly acknowledge the
class distinctions, the hierarchy is well understood by all. While
for the most part the Royals
rule with magnanimity, they will not tolerate impertinence from the
hoi polloi. It is their habit to remain aloof from petty squabbles
among their subjects, but when full-scale war breaks out their
intervention can be decisive.
Stealth
Stealth
prefers to go into battle disguised or heavily camouflaged, often
using pseudonyms, anonymous mail servers and multiple e mail
addresses. Operating from a position of anonymity he can launch
vicious attacks with little fear of reprisals. Because of his
cowardice Stealth is often dismissed by other Warriors as an unworthy
adversary.

Strumpet
Strumpet
finds sex talk completely irresistible and constantly forwards
excruciatingly unfunny and lurid jokes to the discussion forum. She
always manages to sprinkle conversations with references to private
parts and will never let pass without comment any mention of the
words "eat," "enter," "come," "rub,"
etc. She disregards the women and flirts with all the men, often
bragging that she has a husband or boyfriend that expertly satisfies
her putatively voracious sexual appetite, but forum members....er,
participants...quickly conclude no husband or boyfriend exists.
Should any Warrior challenge her directly Strumpet will disparage her
attacker's sexual orientation and/or penis size. CAUTION: Strumpet
may be a man.

The
Swarm
A Swarm
hive is almost impossible to detect. When a hapless victim stumbles
on a forum that houses a Swarm and disturbs it with an offending
message, the Swarm will erupt and fly at their victim from all
directions. Taken one at a time the irrelevant, often mindless
individual attacks can be easily brushed aside, but because of the
sheer volume of the assault even the strongest Warriors must
eventually yield. WARNING: Only those who are highly skilled in Swarm
management techniques should attempt to wade into a Swarm hive. but
even with protective clothing opposing Warriors should expect to
suffer a few stings.

Sycophant
Sycophant
differs from Me-Too
in that he is much more concerned with sucking up than he is with
actually doing battle. Of course, he WILL engage in some light combat
to impress Big Dog and other stronger Warriors, but he never exposes
himself to unnecessary danger. Although combatants sometimes employ
Sycophant to buttress an attack, his constantly shifting loyalties
make him a weak and unreliable ally.


Target
Target
is the guy everyone in a forum loves to hate. He brings this upon
himself; he may be a known cheater in a game forum, a conservative
among liberals, a Windows guy among Mac enthusiasts, or even a man in
a women's forum. Why Target places himself in such dicey situations
is anyone's guess, but he seems genuinely oblivious to the danger.
When Warriors unleash their collective fury upon him his usual
reaction is "Hey, what did I do?" or "Why do you all
hate me?" Target eventually gets the hint after a while and
moves on. NOTE: Target often serves as a useful pressure valve for
the forum's pent up hostilities. Therefore, if the current Target has
been driven off or immobilized a new target will be quickly selected.
CAUTION: Target is a favorite disguise of Troller
amd Evil
Clown.

Therapist
Therapist
can be a highly annoying and therefore very effective Warrior.
Instead of making a frontal attack, Therapist attempts to shift the
focus of the conflict to the combatants' psychological motivations
and problems. He will freely speculate about other Warriors'
insecurities, personalities and relationships, but he will almost
never directly engage the subject of the dispute. CAUTION: Evil
Clown, Imposter
and
Troller
often masquerade as Therapist.


Tiny Yapper
Ill
tempered and aggressive, Tiny
Yapper
is always right
out at the end of his leash barking furiously at the slightest
provocation. Though his constant high pitched yips can be very
annoying, his diminutive stature and limited strength pose no real
threat to other Warriors.

Tireless
Rebutter
For Tireless
Rebutter
there is no such thing as a trivial dispute. He regards all
challenges as barbarians at the gates. His unflagging tenacity in
making his points numbs and eventually wears down the opposition.
Confident that his arguments are sound, Tireless Rebutter can't
understand why he is universally loathed.

Toxic
Granny
Warriors often underestimate
Toxic
Granny's
fighting abilities. She can be very aggressive, and because of the
deference paid to the elderly, not only does Toxic Granny easily
attract allies to aid in her defense, but her foes are reluctant to
employ their strongest weapons against her. Prudent Warriors avoid
confrontations with Toxic Granny because there is ignominy in defeat
and no glory in victory.

Troglodyte
Troglodyte
seems to have emerged from the mists of time untouched by human
evolution. Devoid of a single progressive idea and lacking the
slightest awareness of social and cultural advances, Troglodyte has
developed an incoherent political philosophy that he characterizes as
"conservative" or "libertarian", but which could
be more accurately described as "bigoted narcissism". His
aggressive posturing often frightens off weaker, more timid Warriors.
In pitched battle, however, Troglodyte easily loses control and his
attack quickly degenerates into a rant. Just for the fun of it,
Weenie,
Issues.
Pinko and Evil
Clown will sometimes deliberately goad him into a towering rage.


Troller
Troller
is looking for a response...ANY response, and he will chum the waters
with complaints, insults, compliments, and inflammatory tidbits
hoping that someone...ANYONE, will take the bait. Generally quite
harmless - practices a form of catch and release. Nonetheless, he can
upset the delicate ecology of a discussion forum. Once a forum
becomes aware of his presence, however, all feeding activity ceases
and Troller must move on to more promising waters.

Typhoid
Mary
Typhoid
Mary
blunders across the internet spreading infection far and wide.
Ignoring repeated warnings not to open attachments from unknown
senders and unmoved by entreaties to run security patches and update
virus definitions she is the unwitting vector for countless malicious
hacks, Trojan horses and embedded viruses. Typhoid Mary believes that
someone out there really DOES want her to have “Good Times",
or “Win a Holiday”, or that a nice person is actually sending her
“Penpal Greetings”. She is intensely loathed by Propellerhead,
and is the frequent object of Admin’s
homicidal fantasies.


Weenie
Weenie
is a very sensitive guy, and it angers and saddens him that everyone
isn't just as sensitive as he. An admitted male feminist, Weenie is
ever vigilant against anti-progressive attitudes. Though he seldom
comes into personal contact with the working classes, he keenly feels
the pain of their oppression nonetheless . Weenie's chief antagonists
are Troglodyte,
Evil
Clown, Capitalista
and sometimes
Ideologue. Because of his natural petulance Weenie can easily be
goaded into battle, but he is encumbered by a tendency to throw
temper tantrums when severely pressed.

Whisper
Whisper
maintains a benign demeanor and carefully avoids open conflict. When
aroused, however, she will send vigorous attacks to sympathetic forum
participants via private e mail in an attempt to sway the tide of
battle. A typical Whisper maneuver is to "accidentally"
post an ambiguously critical, but ostensibly private message to the
discussion forum, e.g., "Dear Mary - see what I mean about this
guy?" Or, "John - did you read what Bill said? I rest my
case!" When challenged she will protest (disingenuously) that
she hit the "reply" key by mistake, that the message was
never intended to be read by forum participants, that the message was
out of context, etc. Whisper's intent is to gain a tactical advantage
by leaving the impression that her side in the conflict is gathering
heavy forces just over the horizon, and though transparently obvious
to veteran Warriors, this feint can often blunt a successful attack
by less experienced fighters.
Xenophobe
Xenophobe
is usually a long-term discussion forum participant and he thinks of
the forum as his private compound. Xenophobe regards new forum
arrivals as mentally deficient and perhaps even having criminal
tendencies, and they are invariably approached with suspicion and
condescension. Xenophobe will mount a furious attack if a Newbie has
the temerity to make critical observations about the forum's social
dynamics, or questions its prevailing opinions.
Yuk
Yuk
Apparently
there is no joke too lame, too lurid or too inappropriate for Yuk
Yuk, and he's
absolutely determined to share with you every gobbet of stale
drollery, every tired urban legend and every goofy web site on the
internet. Yuk Yuk seldom contributes to any discussion, preferring
instead to forward witticisms and bon mots culled from his voluminous
archive. Of course, should other Warriors object to his off topic
inanities they are accused of lacking a sense of humor.

Amusing.

Not sure which one I am of those. hmm

Pissedoffvulcan wrote:

Skycastle wrote:

That is awesome.

That was good. Thanks for sharing.

This is a cool bed.

THE BIGGEST SCANDAL OF THE YEAR.

Cap'n Crunch
Yet another military scandal erupted earlier this month when Foodbeast blogger Charisma Madarang questioned the military service of Cap’n Crunch. While the cereal icon (né Horatio Magellan Crunch) has captained the S.S. Guppy since 1963, Madarang uncovered a disparity between the number of bars on Crunch’s sleeve (three, which denotes the rank of commander) and the four bars featured on a Naval captain’s uniform. “The cheery Santa Claus in a blue Napoleon hat is really just a big, fat LIAR,” she declared. Crunch immediately tweeted a response to the allegations (“Of course I'm a Cap'n! It's the Crunch - not the clothes - that make a man. #PaidMyDues), but the Navy was not convinced. “We have no Cap’n Crunch in the personnel records – and we checked,” Lt. Commander Chris Servello, director of the U.S. Navy’s news desk at the Pentagon told the Wall Street Journal last week. “We have notified NCIS and we’re looking into whether or not he’s impersonating a naval officer – and that’s a serious offense.” And while they’re looking into cereal frauds in the military, what do we really know about this so-called “General Mills”…


Only one problem. When you are the commanding officer of a ship the crew calls you captain no matter what rank you are with the exception of Admirals. Which never Captains a ship.

:lol!: