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 Grandma, what was it like getting married?

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Join date : 2009-10-10
Location : Michigan

PostSubject: Grandma, what was it like getting married?   Mon Sep 18, 2017 10:26 pm

"I was born back in aught two, that's 19 mind not two thousand, and it was a cold and windy day. Teddy Roosevelt addressed the nation via radio that day...... (3 hours later)..... and my Momma told me if I didn't stop picking my nose I'd never be able to start school.... (2 hours later)..... so there we were in the old Gimbles Department store picking out clothes for my first day of Kindergarten,  it was quite the treat you know, usually we only got new clothes once a year, and those we ordered from the Sears Roebuck & Co. Catalogue, assuming of course Momma didn't just sew them herself from a pattern.... (4 hours later) ....then on the second day of third grade I met this boy wh "Wait Grandma! That was Grandpa right?" Well no honey, I never meet your Grandpa until I was 26. But we'll get there. Anyway on that second day of third grade I was sitting in the school yard singing 'Shine on, Harvest Moon' when that mean ole spinster teacher, Miss Haddley,.......

(10 hour later).... and there I was at 12 have my first visit from Aunt Flo, and of course back then we had to make do with hair tampons. We bought ours on the Cherokee reservation... (3 days later).... I was so depressed. At the advanced age of 15 no one had yet asked for my hand, and all I had in my hope chest anyway was my hand stitched quilt and some cheap costume jewelry. But that wasn't  as important at that point as I thought at the time. Little did I know, I still had eleven years to build my dowry before meeting your Grandpa, let alone getting married.... (2 weeks later).... and I just couldn't believe the speed that car made! Why we were going nearly 40 miles and hour, I'd no idea it was possible for people to go so fast!.... (waking brain coma prevents realizing passage of time or order of events)...

I snuck into my very first Speak Easy! I was amazed they even let jiggaboos in, lovely people they were too.... Sara Sue and I just couldn't get enough of that 'Ain't Nobody Here But Us Chickens'.... Me? learn to drive a car? What foolishness, women don't belong behind the wheel. Why what if my menses were to come upon me of a sudden while I was flying at breakneck speeds like thirty?..... the war was finally over and I didn't have to paint my nylons on anymore.... and why should a woman shave higher than mid calf anyway? nobody should ever see further up her leg than that, except maybe the doctor. Even your husband should never see that without all the lights out.... and just like that we had cured Polio! What an amazing achievement. Let me back up a few years to tell you about the crippled polio lad I had went to grade school with... Hmmptf!!!! I say, men on the moon my plump derriere. Bad enough they expect us to believe people can actually fly through the skies in metal contraptions, but now they expect us to believe men went to another planet?....  Pshaw, plastic dinnerware indeed! Who'd eat out of that?..... I couldn't believe they replaced the banana cream filling, because of war shortages you know. But they didn't even bring it back afterwards and the Twinkie has never been the same... Most people thought Amelia Earhart was some kind of hero for women, but I just thought she was a hussy. Wearing pants indeed!.... I remember when milk costs 14 cents a quart, eggs were a nickel a dozen and bread cost 9 cents a loaf. Highway robbery if you ask me..... That Steamboat Willie up there on the big screen.... Oh those Buck Rogers cliff hangers!.... of course I was ten, so I wasn't as upset by the sinking of the Titanic as some of the littler kids.... what kind of a bathing suit doesn't cover the knees? Scandalous......

I'd never tasted such a treat! Who'd have thought of frosting corn flakes with sugar? Of course it would have been better if the milk wasn't pasteurized. they claimed it made milk safer to drink, but all I know is it never tasted the same. Why I remember one time when Biff, Clem, Sara Sue and I went tipping cows and..... burning their bras. The little hussies didn't need them anyhow, even with them on their hoohas were right out there for the world to see. Whole generation of girls who suddenly thought it would be fun to emulate those trashy flappers from the 20's. And don't even get me started on.... Six kittens! I couldn't believe my little Fluffer Noodle could have so many at once! No wonder she cried so much during birth, poor thing.... Father said that good girls never went swimming with boys, or even where boys could see them. Go straight to hell if a boy sees you in your wet bloomers... such a lovely church we had back then, although father always said putting a drinking fountain for coloreds inside ruined it. "What was wrong with them drinking out of the horse trough like they'd always done?" he demand of the preacher.... not one person other than Sara Sue ever believed me, not even your Grandpa bless his sole. But I really did see Satan dancing in the ol' orchard with John Lennon.... And that's why just last week after 105 years of friendship I finally told Sara Sue to shove it up her ass! What was you question dear? Oh 'what was it like getting married?' It was ok I guess.

...the only part of the criminal law that doesn't apply to reporters is the death penalty, at least since 2002, when the Supreme Court decided in Atkins v. Virginia that it's "cruel and unusual punishment" to execute the retarded. - Ann Coulter
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